1. I’m bossy. I can’t help it I need to have things done my way which is the right way!

2. I’m stuck up. I try not to be but you can’t fight what’s in your nature.

3. I’m selfish. Everything doesn’t have to be about me, but the first thing should. If i have cake shouldn’t I eat it?

4. My expectations are too high. Yes, the person I’m dating should have waaaaay more than I do, anything less wouldn’t be fair!

5. I’m always right. I told you so!

6. I always win. Games, arguments, whatever.

7. I’m never satisfied. “So what you walked through fire for me, you were late!”

8. You can never touch my face. People do some pretty gross things with their hands and my skin is very sensitive.

9. I talk during movies. It’s annoying but I have to be assured that the person I’m with saw the same thing I did in the scene, and I believe my comments are golden.

10. I don’t like to share. What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine.

But all these things don’t matter because I’m HOT!!!

I am not and will not watch the Beijing games! Why? Because I am generally opposed to starvation, murder, and unlawful imprisonment!!! All of which China has done to make it possible to host the games. Over the past few years I have traveled to Beijing on many occasions and have seen first hand the squawler and destitution that many of the people face daily. That, coupled with knowing how the Chinese government forced whole familes out of their homes and into the streets to make room for their grandiose facade for the Olympians and their fans, has completly disgusted me.

Babies, babies, babies! Everywhere! Ok, I love babies and children but what’s with the madness! I partially blame it on all th attention that celebs are getting for getting prego and having babies. All I want to know is when did getting pregnant become a major achievement? I mean it’s not rocket science, the last I heard it happens to most on accident so it can’t be that difficult. Seriously, since when was being fat, sick and in pain something to celebrate?

I really think that it’s unfair that people expect you to go all gaga over the fact that they failed to use birth-control. Why does that warrant a party? Of course extend your congrats and move on! Really, everyone I know that has had children in the past year and who are pregnant now, should not be able to procreate. They all got pregnant for the wrong reasons, from what I understand and have seen first hand, none of them are nutureres, and not one of them are psychologically ready to bring a life into this world let alone raise one. They are all very selfish, self-centered and self- motivated people who’s lives are total messes and they are about to complicate them even more. And on top of that they are going to drag an innocent child right in the middle.

So EXCUUUUUSE me if I’m not jumping to line up and beg people to buy me cheap plastic crap from the target’s baby registry. But I truly have much better things to do with my life, my most important choice will not be breast-feeding or formula, and my greatest accomplishment will not be having my baby!

I’m not trying to be all “feministic“ but why do women still have to feel like pregnancy is the only significant contribution that we have to offer to society? Yes, we are mothers but we are also SO MUCH MORE!!!

I just don’t want my daughters to think that they are “insignificant” or some how not “good enough” if they do not have children, as society seems to be saying.

I usually say that nothing embarasses me or rather that it takes a lot to embarass me, but what happened to me tonight made me want to die. My husband and I went bowling with two other couples and even though I don’t like to bowl and I suck at it I was actually having fun, everyone was getting along, laughing and cracking jokes it was cool. So we were at the end of the first game and it was my turn to go up. I wasn’t playing seriously because like I said I suck so I decided to try and get some laughs by “grannie bowling”. So I get my ball, squat and fling the ball right into the gutter. Now when I started I heard everyone start to make comments like “look she’s grannie bowling!” But then it went quiet, I turned around to see why they had all suddenly become silent and turned into  my husband. He was behind me, and he quickly picked something up, folded it and put it into his pocket. I didn’t know what he was doing but when I looked at him he quickly said  “your pad fell out.” OMG!!! I looked up at the other two couples and they had these wierd looks on their faces and were softly cheering for my gutter ball. They had all seen it. I tried to smile and walked straight to the restroom trying not to make eye contact with anyone, I was humiliated. When I came back everyone just acted like nothing had happened. They were being nice but a little too nice and that just made me feel worse.

Since I’m taking a personal day fom work today I decided to look up some of the people I went to high school with. I’ve been thinking a lot about my old classmates since our 10 year reunion is fast approaching, and I have to plan it. In a twisted way I sort of wished that everyone was doing well and accomplishing their goals so I could lament my life so that my husband would try to comfort me and encourage me to spend a few hundred bucks on myself. But everyone I looked up made me sad! Their lives suck, hard!!! No one’s really doing anything at all. Well most of them have children and that’s great, but what about careers and that something extra? I spend my life searching for that something extra, maybe they are too I don’t know. But it really made me think, I don’t want my job. I love it and when things go well I do feel like I make a difference. But I don’t think that I’m cut out for the 9 to 5 life, I need more a lot more. I’ve been feeling drained for the past few weeks and I thought that I just needed some rest, you know just tired. I realized I am tired, tired of my job. When I accepted the position I thought, good, I’m doing what a respnsible adult should, I’m joining the workforce. Wrong!!! The workforce is not where I belong, honestly I think I’m better than spreadsheets and quarterly reports, office meetings and reviews. Don’t get me wrong, kudos to anyone who can do it but I just can’t. Hell I’m young I want to travel more, learn new languages and meet people who’s spectrum of fun and culture extends further than a tall soy vanilla latte’ (I do really love starbucks though), but you get the point. But I’ve decided and I’m putting in my notice Monday and on the 23rd I’m going to NY and from their straight to Paris. I’ve decided to stay there for two week I want to soak up all of the atmosphere, I do not care what anyone think I’m doing it!!!

I am so upset with a friend of mine. I just listened to my voicemail and yesterday she left me one of those nice/nasty messages basicly telling me not to call her back because she is too busy to talk on the phone. Who does that? I know she has been kinda pissed at me lately because I haven’t been able to hang out with her as much. But she knows that I’ve been very busy, work is crazy, we moved and I’ve been sick. But it’s not completely my fault either, for three weeks straight she was making plans with me and then blowing me off. I still haven’t seen Sex And The City because of her. And then she has the nerve to say on my voicemail “I guess you don’t have time for me since your husband is back.” What? My husband has been back for two months this past month is when we had all the problems. She is purposely making my husband and me being married an issue. she’s always telling me how she is so independent and how she can do whatever she wants. Ok so can I, I just give my husband the common courtesey of telling him what I’m doing, the same respect you would give to anyone you were living with that you cared about. I shouldn’t even be stressing about it but it really ticked me off.

I just found out that one of my cousins is pregnant, she’s having a boy and the baby’s due August 30th. She’s three years younger than I am, single and is about to end the only career she’s ever had. But still, for some strange reason I feel a little jealous. I’m 26, I have a degree, a fairly fulfilling job and a husband, so what reason would I have to be jealous of her? I don’t know but I am. I mean I could have kids if I wanted to, God knows my husband wants them, but I don’t feel like I’m ready and I don’t know why. There are a lot of things I still want to do but there all doable with a child. My husband and I make enough to financially support one, and I love children, but I just don’t want any of my own right now. I know that there are deeper issues related to this but I don’t want to confront those issues because they could possibly end my marriage. i just don’t know what to do or how I should feel.

I’m at work and I’m so bored. There are tons of things I should be doing but I just don’t want to. I think my mind is still at home. We moved on base last week and there’s still a lot of unpacking to do. All of my issues with my mom are still there, I decided not to say anything to her becuse it wouldn’t change anything. I really need a vacation, just to go somewhere by myself for a day or two. I’m seriously thinking about checking into the base inn this weekend and treating myself to a spa day. But I’m trying to save money and I went shopping this weekend and spent to much. Maybe I’ll go to a movie instead, I don’t know yet.

Yesterday was my two year wedding anniversary, we went to dinner, a moraccan resturant in Sac. The food was good but I would have rather stayed in. We wanted to but my mom wouldn’t leave the house, she didn’t even go to church and she never misses a Sunday. She is so rude she never thinks abot anyone but herself, her friend even came by to take her to one of their meetings but she wouldn’t go. She had to know thatwe wanted to be alone. I don’t know maybe I’m expecting too much.

I feel so drained. I just don’t know what to do. My mother is driving me crazy, literally. She lives with me and my husband but she puts a real strain on me and my marriage. She lives with us because she is on oxygen and I don’t feel comfortable with her living on her own, and when my husband and I moved to California last year I thought that it would be best if she came too. But now I feel like that was a big mistake. I have never been close to my mom, he didn’t raise me she left me with my grandma and her and my brother moved to another state. I never really knew her untill I was 10, my grandma and I moved to where she was when she was diagnosed with her lung disease. We have never gotten along but sincemy brother doesn’t want her to live with him I’m stuck. I feel like she tries to make me miserable on purpose. She’s always calling me names and saying mean and nasty things to me, but what canI do? She’s my mother. I don’t even know why she even wants to stay with me, since I’ve known her she has always told me that she doesn’t like me and that she didn’t choose me, she just had me. But with all of this I feel like I can’t ask her to leave, I know I don’t owe her anything but I feel like God will punish me if I don’t take care of her. I feel like she is using me. I’ve told her many times how I feel but she doesn’t care, she just calls me pathetic and weak a bully’s me into submission. I just don’t know what to do, but I don’t think that her and I can continue to live under the same roof for too much longer.

I am returning to wordpress. I was here a few months ago but decided to blog somwhere  else, and now I’m back. I think that I’m ready to venture a bit further with my blogging. So I am ready to share  my thuoghts, feelings, and my life.