This Sunday was Mother’s Day (hooray for all the moms) and I received three cards,one from my husband, one from my MIL and the other from my very good friend. I’m still not too sure whether I’m an official mom or not but the cards made me happy. Everyone wrote me very sweet and comforting messages, I felt loved!

I’m a week away from being full term and I’m totally ready to hold my little girl in my arms and start the next phase of mommydom. I’m still worried about how good a mommy I’ll be but my friends have been showering me with assuring praise. I only have one friend who actually has a child (not just a pet mommy) and she has been amazing support for me. She is a wonderful mom and I love being able to learn from her and share my fears and thoughts with her.

I think that I’m finally embracing this new life though. I’m starting to feel a motivation that has been lacking in me for quite some time now. I’m starting to feel like the fierce conqueror that I used to be. I want my daughter to be strong, confident and in control, knowing that she can do whatever she dreams and I’m going to lead by example.

This renewed vigor in me feels almost electric, like it’s racing through my veins. It’s pushing me to make changes in every aspect of my life. It’s making me remember my purpose and experiences that I want out of life. I know that once I set myself on this course wild horses won’t be able to get me to stray.

All I have to say is IT’S ON!!!

I’m just weeks away from my due date and my mind feels like mashed potatoes. My mind is a whirlwind of worries and enthusiasm. I’m having a flare-up of my crohn’s which isn’t helping at all. But it makes me tired enough to where I sleep most of the day. I still can’t believe how in these few short months one little person whom I haven’t even laid eyes on has completely changed my life. She’s saved my life! It’s truly amazing the power that just the idea of a person can have on so many lives. This baby has brought a little sunshine into not just to me and my husband, but to also many of our friends and loved ones.

I’m still scared of actually taking care of her but the joy of knowing that I will be holding her soon surpasses that fear. I just hope that I can be the mom that she deserves.

My friends could never understand what it was like to grow up in the world that I did. You could only understand it if you lived it. They don’t know what it was like to not be a 5 year old in pain being told by their mother that they couldn’t have a hug because they were too old for that. Or to feel scared and alone in your own home while surrounded by family. Not knowing what was going to happen from one moment to the next.

I know that it sounds horrible to say but I would have rather lived in a home where I was constantly beaten or molested, because then at least I could belong to a group where there were other people who shared my pain. The type of what I know now as abuse that I lived with is something that, if there are others who experienced it no one talks about. I don’t want to talk about it. There are things that I saw and heard that I will never reiterate. I swore that to myself.

Almost every one of my family members who grew up through this has turned to drugs or alcohol, but I refuse to. Pushing everything deep down inside has worked for me. I can deal with that. I feel blessed just to have survived, and there are some days where things get hard when old feelings start to bubble up to the top. But I get a grip and move on. And for this reason I savor the fact no one will know the “real me.” I have made a “me” that I like to be around, a “self” that I can be proud of and I won’t give that up.

-I’m worried about my bff.  I want her to be happy but sometimes I don’t know if she ever will be.

-I’m get more and more terrified as my due date approaches. I have questions that just cannot be answered until she is born, so I need o put my energy into something else besides worrying.

-I’m rethinking friendships.

-I have a million things to do, but I’m not doing any of them.

- I’m still stressing about my family and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it.

-My therapist is on vacation.

-I have to plan what I’m going to do for my birthday. I don’t know if I want to be around anyone, I’m just tired and haven’t been in the best mood lately.

-This third trimester is killing me slowly.

-I have to decide on where I want the baby to sleep. I don’t know why this is so hard a decision for me. Well yes I do, it’s because I’m a neurotic freak. But I still need to decide if I want her to sleep in the bed with us, or a bassinette, or playpen, or a co-sleeper. All I do know is that I don’t want her to be in her crib until she’s at least 6 months.

Ok, I’ve been thinking a lot about life and goals and things like that. I guess it’s being fueled by the fact that I’m going to be bringing a life into this world. Anyway I have had this list of things that I want to do before I die (yes that list). Some might call it a bucket list, but I refuse to because I think that if I were to call it a bucket list then I would start to look like Morgan Freeman and nobody wants that. So I just call it the list (if you haven’t noticed, I like things to be dramatic).

I started this list in college and have been adding to it over the years. Whenever I’m feeling down or unmotivated, I like to pull out “The List” and imagine doing the things on it. I don’t know if I will ever be able to cross any of the things off of my list (so far I haven’t), but I’m still hopeful and maybe and maybe one day I will completely lose my mind and do one of them. And yes, I really meant to say that I’m hopeful about losing my mind. 

So as I near motherhood I can’t help but to wonder how my list will change, or grow with my new responsibilities as a parent. I’ve decided to post my list here, and I invite any and everyone to give me some feed back or share some of the items on your life to do list. Enjoy!

1. Take a trans-continental flight on a private jet.
2. Throw money at someone (i.e make it rain).
3. Get a saxophone lesson from Bill Clinton.
4. Get an ice skating lesson from a Tonya Harding.
5. Sit in on a session of congress.
6. Give Regis Philbin a kiss on the cheek.
7. Write a bestseller.
8. Be an extra on Law&Order SVU.
9. Be Pixar animated.
10. Go to Sesame Street.
11. Make cookies with Martha Stewart.
12. Run for public office.
13.  Slap David Blaine.
14. Have my father walk me down the aisle at my wedding.
15. Invent a word that gets added to Webster’s Dictionary.

Even in that room full of friends, I did feel some sadness and it’s the same sadness that has been with me my entire life. I feel like whatever I do I can’t get away from it. No matter how far or how fast I run it will be there waiting for me. Is it my destiny?

I remember as far back as when I was five or six years old, strangers would always tell me to smile and not to look so sad. People still stop me to this day and say the same thing. I wonder often, are my sad eyes the reason no one can love? Are they the reason my parents gave up and don’t want me in their lives?

So many questions I have. Why don’t my eyes show my curiosity or my love? Will they forever be sad? Or are they waiting for the right moment to show my joy?

I want the sadness to be gone from my eyes. Maybe then it will also take its leave from my heart.

It finally happened, the thing that I’ve feared most during this pregnancy. Yesterday at 7:08 pm I lost control of my bladder and peed my pants. Yesterday my husband and I had a very busy day. First we had an ultrasound to check baby’s growth (she is in the 38th percentile which they say is normal), then I had my 1 hour glucose test followed by my first 3rd trimester ob check-up.  Everything was going smoothly until my check-up. My oxygen saturation was low so my doc decided to send me to labor and delivery at the hospital, which is located across the street from the clinics. I checked into to triage there and was hooked up to the monitors so they could watch baby. About three hours into my stay I had to go pee, badly. So I had my husband to page the nurse to come and unhook me. It took her what seemed like forever to come in (in actuality is was less than 5 minutes), but she set me free and pointed me into the direction of the restrooms.

Ok here’s where it gets crazy, the restrooms for triage are at the end of this long hallway, through a set of double doors and right pass the elevators. And remember this is labor and delivery triage so to me for the bathrooms to be a 2 block walk is just sadistic. So I’m twisting down the halls with my husband in tow, and just as I reach the elevators the baby gives me what I can only describe as a scissor  kick right to the bladder. That’s when I felt the pee begin to trickle down the back of my leg. I was horrified, but I had to finish enough so I could run into the restroom. I guess my husband finally realized what had happened because once I was in the restroom he was tapping at the door whispering “are you all right?” I cleaned up as best I could and solemnly went back to my bed and requested a new gown and a pair of those mesh hospital panties. At least the nurse spared me my dignity and didn’t ask why I needed them.

I’m guessing that this isn’t going to be the last embarrassing encounter that I have with body fluids during this pregnancy. But now I know that I won’t die of embarrassment!

Since the start of the morning sickness, the flatulence, the burping, the cravings, back aches and swollen ankles there has been just one person who has been with me through it all, taking my whining and complaints in stride and that is my husband. I admit that I have not been a very happy camper and I make it known (loudly). My husband has had to endure extreme temperature changes in the house to appease my hot and cold flashes, 2 a.m. trips around the city to get me frozen yogurt and me waking him in the middle of the night (on a work night) just to watch me eat a sandwich because I didn’t want to eat alone. And I’m realizing now that I hardly (if ever) say thank you. I am growing and nurturing a child inside of me (which I remind him of constantly) but my husband has been dealing with a lot of changes too. I realize that I take him for granted. I’ve been sitting here thinking of all of the things that I don’t have to do because he does them for me, and has been doing most of these things even before I was pregnant. I don’t know when the last time was that I emptied the trash, changed a light bulb, moved a piece of furniture or cleaned the litter box. My husband has done all of these things throughout our relationship, while constantly telling me how beautiful I am and he never complains. I don’t think there is a gift good enough or a card big enough that could ever tell him how much he means to me. I look at him and all of my fears dissipate. Our daughter is going to have one amazing man to call daddy.

I feel like a crazy woman, this baby doesn’t need to come out for like 2 years. We’re not ready, plain and simple! I’m about to kill myself over our finances. I hate the IRS they are slowly but surely bleeding us dry! I’m sitting here trying not to hyperventilate. My therapist told me to deal with stress, to try and imagine a box in my mind and to put all of my worries in that box and to put a lid on it. But now im worried because my box is to small for all of my worries. I think I’m crazy.

I was just writing a letter to my little mini me and I got all choked up when I started writing about my bff. I want my daughter to know and love her just as much as I do (she is going to be her godmother). She is the only person on this earth that I trust with my deepest darkest secrets, and even though we don’t always see eye to eye I know she has my back. I value her opinion, respect her and even look up to her at times (she’s one tough cookie)! I do fear that once the baby comes she might not want to hang out with me as much. What if a dirty diapers and vomit cramp her style? I feel that I’m going to need her more than I ever have. I don’t know if she knows how much I love and appreciate her, we are not mushy, feelings sharing type of girls. But I love her like a sister!